We had friends for dinner on Monday night that we hadn’t seen in 13 years. We’ve only kept up by Christmas card and social media updates. It was so good to see them, so easy and nice and lovely. But I had this moment after dinner, as we all sat lingering around the dining table, catching up on each others lives where the magnitude of all that we’ve been through in such a short amount of time really hit me. They asked me if my mom still lived on the Peninsula. I said no, and explained what had happened in my usual stoic, matter of fact but upbeat way. Then pivoted to how it was all ok, we still had very close family that we saw all the time. To which Jesse shared the news of my aunt. We had already covered his knee. His health journey. His job. Our challenges with Grant. Cooper’s anxiety. And all of a sudden it just smacked me … like holy hell…. we have lived through a LOT.
I try really hard not to call attention to myself, to remember that it could always be worse and is in fact much worse for many people in the world. In my fear of ever sounding self indulgent or woe-is-me, I’ve rarely given myself the space to truly revel in how much we’ve actually dealt with. How relentless it has felt. How impactful to all aspects of our life, relationships, careers, ability to parent and mental stability it has all been.
As I type this, I am sitting in the surgery center waiting for them to reconstruct his knee. His twelth knee surgery. Second surgery this year for two very different and equally challenging prognoses. Fielding calls and texts of best wishes and requesting updates, for what feels like the 100th time. People must be so tired of always having to “keep us in their thoughts” … Our family has a bit of a black cloud over us right now and it’s time to shake it.
When Jesse blew his knee, the first thing that came to mind was “there has to be something to all of this… some reason we’re being thrown all this adversity, some bigger purpose”. He’s a strong as they come so I don’t think his resilience is being tested, it’s more than that. What do we do with this? How do we use this story…these learnings…this attitude… our strength… for good. For purpose.
Jesse’s is making a big life pivot right now and I couldn’t be more excited for him to tap into something that lights up his soul. I can only believe that all steps of the path will inform the outcome. It only ever makes sense looking back and I can’t wait to read this novel back once it’s written.
MusingsofaMaddWife 